


Bruno Walton for Student Body President

by rageprufrock, throughadoor



Category: Macdonald Hall - Korman
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-09
Updated: 2010-01-09
Packaged: 2017-10-06 01:09:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/48051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rageprufrock/pseuds/rageprufrock, https://archiveofourown.org/users/throughadoor/pseuds/throughadoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not like Boots cares about Cave Theory, anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bruno Walton for Student Body President

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: so i had this thought

 

professor brewer is trying to kill me by rehashing patrick henry again.

 

i went k-6 in america i know more about patrick henry than i ever wanted to know. lets not even talk about thomas paine. what are you doing?

 

also i'm thinking about some really awesome student events once i'm president. are you sure you don't want to run for vp?

 

b.w.

 

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

 

If I'm vice president, who's going to bail you out when you end up in jail? This isn't like that time you dragged us both onto student council at the hall, Bruno, this is serious. The President is in charge of the entire student budget!

 

I'm stuck in Glidden's class, she's talking about the Plato's cave allegory, supposedly it's a discussion but mostly everyone's sitting around like they might as well be dead. I'd contribute except that SOMEONE made me stay up helping him photocopy campaign posters until three in the morning, so I didn't do my reading ....

 

Boots

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

i'm not going to end up in jail, i've never ended up in jail before, have i? you worry too much, melvin. and student council at the hall was important, too. we set pool hours and dared the girls to skinny dip. that's all big stuff you know--i mean, until the fish caught us but whatever. also, i'm fabulous at money-management. and i could always call george wexford smythe the formerly roomie of melvin p. o'neal if i have questions about how to double said budget.

 

 

what the hell is a cave allegory? you need to skip more classes, boots. it's just sickening how you english majors sit there and let your souls rot away.

 

don't blame not doing your reading on me, you could have read in between photocopying you know. besides, photocopying posters and helping me take my rightful place as student body president is more fun anyway.

 

b.

 

ps, i borrowed your shirt this morning sorry forgot to do laundry last night.

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

Accidentally turning the money we made off a couple yard sales and the Scrimcake into enough money to buy a pool is not being fabulous at money-management, that's being fabulous at having dumb luck. Although clearly your dumb luck was not enough to save us from The Fish seeing Cathy Burton naked as the day she was born, which will haunt me until the day I die.

 

Because I was too busy helping you hatch revolution to do my reading, I don't really know what the cave allegory is. All I know is that we're all prisoners in the cave, or at least that I'm a prisoner in this class for another fifty minutes. If you can manage to fool enough people into voting you president, can you see about outlawing afternoon lectures?

 

Boots

 

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

 

it was the furthest thing from an accident. a lot of effort and time and essay-writing went into that campaign, boots, and you'd better remember it or else you'd still be gobble-gobbling from the perpetual STAIN that is having gone to york academy. speaking of which the other guy running (i forget his name but i bet it's stupid) went to york academy which means WE MUST WIN also why are you bringing up naked cathy again? naked cathy gave me a black eye and i thought we agreed never to talk about naked cathy again. or diane who was screaming bloody murder so loud that scrimmage thought we were trying to prostitute them to the entire school or something stupid like that.

 

hatching revolutions is my specialty. you have to have learned to like it a little bit by now, boots, or else you would have tossed me to the side of the road and left me to rot miserably. miserably.

 

fifty more minute until you're out? that's just cruel. when i'm student body president i'll eliminate that section of your curriculum. hey, maybe i'll make you like, chief of the english department or something and then you can decide what sort of junk to ball up your head with. in which case, i have a suggestion: more dirty stuff. song of solomon rocked. and moby dick wasn't bad either, i mean, when the guy wasn't freaking out about the whale or being gay.

 

b.w.

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

The effort and the time and the essay-writing (especially the essay-writing) didn't have anything to do with the CAMPAIGN, bruno, that was all the stuff we had to do once the campaign landed us in the soup.

 

I would say something here about naked Cathy Burton except that we are never speaking of it because it never happened.

 

Moby Dick was about the guy being gay? What are you talking about?

 

 

Boots

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

landed us in the POOL melvin, the POOL. remember the pool? the one that got you winning all those swim meets our last two years there? remember how you used to threaten to make me learn how to swim as some sort of thinly veiled effort to watch me flail and drown? because i remember.

 

and yes, you are right. no naked cathy. it never happened. also, her boobs were not smaller than they appeared from the outside, no siree--and i definitely didn't tell her that at the last scrimmages-hall dance and got punched in the gut for it either while you and diane were outside making out. nope nope nope.

 

moby dick was totally about the guy being gay. i mean, queequeg, the hatchet, and all that bed-sharing.

 

b.w.

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

Dear Bruno,

 

Just in case my appreciation has not been made completely clear any time in the last five years, thank you so much for almost getting us suspended so that we could get a pool. Of all the times that you almost got us kicked out of the Hall, the time you almost got us kicked out of the Hall so that we could get a pool was definitely the best time.

 

Yours,

 

Melvin

 

P.S. -- Also, making out with Diane? Whatever. Diane would have punched me in the nuts if I'd ever tried to get anywhere near her. I was sopping up Sidney's nosebleed from when he landed his elbow in the punch bowl and fell on Miss Scrimmage, remember? Boy did she not look happy wearing those orange peels.

 

P.P.S. Bed sharing does not always equal gayness. There are all kinds of extenuating circumstances!

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

dearest melvin,

 

your appreciation is much appreciated, even if you didn't mean for it to be since your sarcasm drips off of your latest communiqué like slime off of a york turkey, gobble gobble you traitor. come on, high school would have been boring if it weren't for all that junk. and i don't know about the best time--remember that time we got expelled for real? i thought you were about to cry. i spent the whole night trying not to throw up.

 

love forever,

 

bruno gabriel walton, student body president

 

 

ps, you weren't making out with diane? woah, woah now, you never told me this. you were gone, diane was gone, there was a full moon and i'd spiked the punch sidney then wasted and bleeded into. the mood was right. what happened, man? she would not have punched you in the nuts. if i'd tried to make out with CATHY she would have punched me in the nuts. actually, i think she punched me in the nuts once anyway. ow.

 

pps, immediate bed-sharing and nervous virgin behavior=gayness. and what sort of extenuating circumstances anyway?

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

That time that we almost got expelled for real is something I like to think about as often as I like to think about Cathy Burton's breasts. Which is to say, never.

Diane, on the other hand, I am willing to bet a couple slices of chocolate cake and half a box of caramel corn that Diane Grant likes to think about Cathy Burton's breats. Which is why I never tried to make out with her and probably why it's for the best that you never tried to make out with Cathy. But what do I know? My date to the big dance ended up being Sidney and a box of bloody Kleenex.

I thought I was going to cry, too.

Boots

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

DIANE WAS GAY???????

 

DIANE WAS GAY??????

 

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU THOUGHT DIANE WAS GAY????? I WASTED SO MUCH TIME SENIOR YEAR TRYING TO GET YOU LAID MELVIN!!!!!

 

i did kiss cathy once and we were both trashed like woah though. She laughed and said something about how i was probably going to die a virgin because anyway, and then she kissed me but then she puked in the bathtub. this was while you were in ottowa for the national swim meet. i cleaned up before you got home and nobody got punched.

 

yeah that scared the shit out of me. i've never been that scared in my life. i mean, except that other time i thought you were going to leave.

 

b.w.

 

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

 

You know, you think I haven't learned anything about crazy scheming from you, but you're wrong. As long as I didn't tell you that I thought Diane was gay, you kept off my case about trying to find some other Scrimmette to sic on me. How's that for a brilliant plan?

And for your information, I totally thought the bathtub smelled funny when I got home, but knowing you I was way too afraid to say anything. Who knew it was something as harmless as Cathy's puke?

Also, you always knew I was never really going to leave. I would have chained myself to the doorframe of 306. And you would have found the handcuffs.

Boots

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

if you REALLY learned anything from me about scheming then you'd realize that it was easiest just to admit that i was right and go along with me. you know, lay back and think of england, canada, whatever. and if I knew diane was gay i wouldn't have harassed you guys so much, and I wouldn't have sicced another girl on you either. you think so little of me. i mean, i just thought you two got along really well. she was quiet and logical and all that other boring gunk you seem to value so highly and bitch that i don't have. brilliant my ASS MELVIN.

 

you did not think the bathtub smelled funny. i totally bleached that bathtub despite the fact that i was so hungover that it would have made you blow sympathy chunks. also, if hypothetically the bathroom smelled funny and you didn't think it was cathy's puke what DID you think it was?

 

i would have chained myself up next to you. we could be our own two man protest.

 

b.w.

 

 

ps, i wonder what it would have been like though.

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

Honestly, I'm not even sure that Diane was gay, it's not like she told me, or went around carving her name next to Cathy's on a tree trunk in Scrimmage's orchard. So it's probably just as well that you kept up the harassment. Please, though, do not take this as an endorsement of all the harassment that I suffered at your hands over the years, because I know how your mind works. Also, if I'd told you that I liked girls who were crazed revolutionaries, you would have tried to fix me up with YOU.

Re: the bathtub, at the time I thought maybe you let Elmer use it to test the ultimate stink bomb, or that we were in the pop can business again or that Sidney tripped and fell into a sewage drain and you let him shower in our room so his roommate wouldn't kill him -- do I need to continue? The possibilities were endless.

Also, I know exactly what it would have been like if we'd chained ourselves to the door frame. It wouldn't have been a two man protest for long, because you would have talked Wilber and Pete and Mark and everybody into doing it, too, and the Fish would have made his fish face and it all would have ended brilliantly and you probably would have figured out a way to make sure I could stay. You always did, right?

Boots

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

don't freak me out like that, melvin. now visions of scrimmlesbians are going to be dancing like sugarplums through my head.

 

if sidney fell in open sewage, we would have had to take him to the hospital for toxic poisoning or something, and on the way he'd break his leg and crack his skull. it's like tradition.

 

and yeah, you would have stayed. remember, i said, everyone can stay. but don't worry. i'd never try to set you up with me. it'd fucking kill you wouldn't it.

 

 

b.w.

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

So, forty minutes and many near-naps later, it turns out that the cave allegory is like this:

Plato says that people who are unenlightened are like prisoners in a cave, and on one wall of the cave there's a fire, and between the fire and the prisoners there's a curtain, and behind the prisoners there are puppeteers. The puppeteers hold up objects and the light from the fire casts a shadow. The prisoners are unenlightened, right? So they don't know any better, and they think that the shadow is the real thing. But it's not. It's just a shadow, and they're just stuck in the cave.

How about that?

Boots

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

i think this means you need a mercy killing.

 

b.w.

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

Either that or a Student Body President who can outlaw being an English major. So where do I sign up to be on the campaign staff?

Boots

 

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

 

i think i'll outlaw being an english major and you were already on the campaign staff under chief of staff. welcome aboard, boots old buddy old pal. be warned haley says eat me a lot but that's only because he's sexually frustrated and ashley hates you.

 

b.w.

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

Trust you to land me in the soup BEFORE WE'VE EVEN STARTED. Who is Ashley? Why does Ashley hate me? How can someone who I don't know and don't even know the gender of hate me? Please explain.

Your faithful servant/chief of staff,

 

Boots

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

ashley hates you because her, and i quote, "love for me is like an endless ocean" and you get to live with the gloriousness that is me so she hates you. i wouldn't drink anything she gives you. just a thought.

 

future student body president,

 

b.w.

 

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

 

Tell Ashley that an "endless ocean" much better describes what the bathroom floor looks like after you're through with your shower and she's more than welcome to move in and get to experience the "gloriousness of you" first hand if she'll pick up your towels.

Boots

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

oh my god, boots, you cruel bastard. ashley terrifies me. Ashley terrifies all of mankind. i'm afraid to fire her because she'd eat me and then she'd make me have sex with her and get married. it's just not right, you can leave me to the evil whims of someone like that. besides, i don't do that thing. with ashleys.

 

and it's not like you pick up the towels anyway. you'd make a horrible girlfriend, boots.

 

b.w.

 

\-----

 

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

If you think it'll help, feel free to tell Ashley that you've already got a wife who doesn't pick up your towels at home.

Boots

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

i think i will.

 

um

 

b.w.

 

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

 

Just so you know, this does NOT mean that I am going to start doing your ironing, or bringing you a lunch at the campaign office. But, girlfriend? Please. I've paid my dues for nine years!

Boots

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

wait, so i should what, upgrade you to domestic partner? i help you with all your history homework and your math homework and i keep you from getting sent away from me, you know.

 

b.w.

 

ps, are we like, having a moment?

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

It depends -- when you're President, will you be instituting domestic partnership benefits? I know how you crazy Americans are about your health care.

Boots

P.S. -- Shut up, idiot, you'll ruin it.

 

\-----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

i mean, i guess i could rig a two-for-one deal on the student discounts to the itunes. is that domestic partnership benefity enough? i could start picking up the towels. and maybe make dinner sometimes or whatever. yeah us crazy americans.

 

b.w.

 

ps, okay shutting up but just in case how do you feel about ashleys

 

\-----

 

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

If you start picking up the towels, I'll wear white to the wedding. That's how much I think THAT'S going to happen.

Boots

P.S. -- I don't really like to date outside of my letter of the alphabet.

 

\-----

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

i don't think you get to wear white anyway you ass.

 

b.w.

 

ps, oh my fucking god you decide to tell me this in ENGLISH CLASS?

 

 

\----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

 

Well, if anyone's going to wear white, we know it won't be you.

Boots

P.S. -- Well, technically you're in PoliSci, right now ....

 

\----

 

To: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

okay lets not like, nitpick here and shut up.

 

b.w.

 

ps, oh my god your ass is so grass

 

\-----

 

To: Bruno Walton &lt;bwalton@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

From: Melvin O'Neal &lt;moneal@utoronto.edu&gt;

 

Subject: re: so i had this thought

 

Yeah, because I don't see a Bruno Walton double entendre coming a mile away. Save it for someone who hasn't known you since you were twelve, Walton.

Boots

P.S. -- My ass is what, exactly? You can tell me at lunch.


End file.
